Headway in Grief

If I can’t have life with Ron here  then this life I am living is the next best thing. I am busy but content.

There are some who question my recovery. They wonder why I still occasionally cry.  They only see the random drops that take effect without my permission. I wonder what they would say if they knew about the private ones. I will not apologise because I miss the love of my life.

I am making some headway in my healing. From the example of others in the same boat, I’ve learned to lean on God, take care to cook proper meals, exercise, reach out to others, go to an event or two alone.

I look at married couples who seem to thrive on bickering, insulting  and back biting one another. I want to scream at them…some day you will regret this.

I look at those who are loving one another  like Ron and I did, and I want to say…”yes, you have it right…but remember, one day you will be me. Nourish and care for one another even more that you do now, because some day, you too will be alone and wonder why you didn’t pour even more life into your marriage.)

Brenda Wood, author & speaker
Meeting Myself, Snippets from a Binging and Bulging Mind
 The Big Red Chair-storybook for grieving children
 Heartfelt-366 Devotions for Common Sense Living
God, Gluttony & You, the Bible Study

 

 

My House Looks like my Life Feels

Because of a water tank episode, almost all the flooring in my house is being replaced. That sounds lovely doesn’t it. Who wouldn’t want to have new flooring, new desk,new colours, even a new wall paper boarder? Me, that is who.

I sat in the decorating place, picked out the colours and burst into tears because nothing will look like it did when Ron was here. The sales lady cried too. She just lost her mom and so we blubbered in the store together.

All of the fixing started December 27 and day by day my living space gets smaller. First of all the china cabinet contents exploded onto every flat surface. The china cabinet itself sits in front of the living room window. By last night, the TV was unseeable and all the chairs too cluttered to sit on. Stuff surrounds my bed. I have one tiny walking path which I dare not use without a light of some kind.

Do you see what I mean? My house looks as bad as I feel. But there is that one little path through, and that one glimmer of hope and light and that one hand to hold. So Christ and I move through together toward healed house and healed heart.

A Life of their Own

Up early and ready for church, I am confident that I will not cry today. I say to myself, this is a good day. I can go to church and not be weeping all over everybody.

So sure am I that I go into the building with no thought, no guard up for the simple “How are you?” that
everyone asks everyone. The first person who speaks to me gets a gush of choking tears.

Where do they come from? Isn’t there a reservoir in a person that just eventually runs dry? Apparently not in me unless it is in disarray and the taps are turned on full and the plug is not in the tub.

My first thought is that I must start avoiding these places where I cry. Then I think, how will I ever heal if I avoid the friends and family who love me and care about me? If I stop coming I have lost a huge support
system. What advantage is that to me? No I must learn to let the tears go where they will. What a silly statement. I can’t make them stop no matter what I do.Tears have a life of their own and mine seem livelier than some.

I’ve Been Away

No I haven’t been to Bermuda, Hawaii or even Toronto. My head has been in my new book-Meeting Myself.

It’s almost done, but I am a basket case. Meeting Myself is snippets from a shattered mind. Mine. Truths I never wanted to see again surfaced into sight from a boiling pool of oil.

Thankfully that oil has changed from the type that made me cry ‘burn me into ashes, erase all these memories,’ into the  healing balm of the Holy Spirit.

Hard to relive? For sure. Still Painful? Oh, yes. But doable? Absolutely.

I promised an agent that my book would be in the mail to her by December 15th. God and I are making that deadline together.

What is your healing deadline? What has God called you to face that seems unendurable? Whatever it is, God’s oil can get you through.

Brenda J. Wood

blog:  http://hearteltdevotionals.wordpress.com