The Pregnant Pause of Grief-The First Trimester
by Brenda J Wood ( COPYRIGHTED)
What does our script say?
By the end of this month, I expect to know my own name. My friend didn’t know hers for three months. Just past two now, I realize she’s right. Some days, thick fog separates me from who I am or where I am. Pregnant with grief, hormones out of whack and tears pouring forth for no reason, I nurse this new life within me, struggling to believe that it will come to full term and separate itself from me.
Perhaps you too find yourself struggling in your current life situation. You feel alone as you creep through this thing. Maybe, like me, you wonder if God still cares. I desperately search for the truth. I invite you to join me as we find out together.
My life situation is that I’ve become this new creature called Widow. Ron died about two months ago. If you include our dating we spent fifty years as a couple and together we trusted in these verses.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
I’m reading plans now that I do not care for at all. How can Ron’s death give me hope and a future? How can this plan prosper and not harm me?
I recently heard a TV message about this being our best life. The speaker insisted we choose happiness every day.
“Let’s see you lose your spouse and still say those same words and mean them,” I shouted. That frightened me. Where did those thoughts come from? I believed God’s best for me, didn’t I?
That led me on this path of self-discovery. A crisis calls us to evaluate what we believe about God and why we believe it. Do we really think that God has a good plan for our lives? Do we believe that God is who He says He is? That God can do what He says He will do? That we are who God says we are? Do we really expect to do all things through Christ who gives us strength? That God’s word is alive and active in us right now? Don’t we have find out? God says He loves us and insists His plans are the best. All He asks is that we trust Him and willingly follow his path. Can we do that in this?
One day at the doctor’s office a young mom and her four-year-old twins kept us all in smiles. We needed a laugh because my darling husband, Ron suffered from the last stages of cancer. Hoping for a little peace and quiet, Mom picked a children’s book off the shelf, arranged the little ones on either side, and began to read. The girls did not like Mom’s book one bit. It was one of those learn-your-alphabet things. They had no interest in A-B-Cs. They’d picked out happy, cartoon-type books.
They begged and whined for Mom to discard her plan and use their particular picture book. The disappointed twins made a lot of noise, but Mom paid no attention. She calmly continued the read. Eventually both girls set their books aside and listened to Mom’s soft, gentle reading voice. The book she shared could prepare them for their life’s journey. Her book would make a difference in the way they walked, the jobs they’d hold and the income they’d earn. Mom gave them what they needed instead of what they wanted.
Can it be that God wants to teach us but we don’t care to learn? If we did, would we go the extra mile, build peace into our hearts and enjoy wisdom in our souls? Would wisdom mean coming along side God while He steadfastly pointed out new paths? Or does it mean acting like four-year-olds, demanding our own way? Surely that slows down the process of change and learning.
When the Answers Aren’t
Lord, when our answers aren’t there, we question your motives.
When our answers don’t come, we beg for relief.
When your answers look different, we cry out, “Not right!”
But all of that time you’re reading our story.
You whisper, “Just trust me. I’ve planned for your best.”
I know where we’re going. Just hang on and rest.
I keep finding messages like Psalm 40:1-3
“I waited patiently and expectantly for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up out of a horrible pit [a pit of tumult and of destruction], out of the miry clay (froth and slime), and set my feet upon a rock, steadying my steps and establishing my goings.
And Habakkuk 3:17-19
“Though the fig tree does not blossom and no fruit is on the vine,
Though the product of the olive fails and the fields yield no food,
Though the flock is cut off from the fold, and there are no cattle in the stalls,
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord. I will exult in the victorious God of my salvation.”
“The Lord God is my strength, my personal bravery and my invincible army.
He makes my feet like the feet of the deer.
He enables me to walk, not to stand still in terror, but to walk,
And make spiritual progress upon my high places
Of trouble and suffering and responsibility.”
I’ve trusted God and his promises for years. Will they hold true in widowhood? I don’t know yet. I’m reading my journal scribbles again, reminding myself of times when God proved his faithfulness. Will I come to the same conclusions as I did then and continue to trust Him, even in this most terrible time? God never failed me before. Is it likely He will now? I invite you to travel your painful journey with me, as we remember how God met us in our worst places and brought good from each one.
In the past I learned that when the way is rough, our faith has a chance to grow. If this is still true and God is still who He says he is, than through these new experiences, we’ll become the biggest mountain of faith you ever saw. Maybe mine is hiding in my twenty extra pounds! In that case I’d better not lose it!!J