Category Archives: humour

The Underwear Rules of Masking Up

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Treat your masks as well as you treat your underwear. If this list confuses you, just substitute the word underwear every time I use the word mask. And remember your mom with laughter!

Always wear a clean mask every time you go out. You never know when you will end up in the hospital.

Your mask should be snug but not revealing. After all, some things are meant to be kept private.

Don’t pick or scratch at your mask in public. People will talk.

Don’t use the same mask two days in a row. You will smell. They have to be washed.

If your masks have the days of the week marked on them, be sure to wear the right one on the right day.

Never trade masks. Who knows where their mask has been!

If the mask gets ruined, has worn fabric or elastic, toss it out. Show some respect for yourself.  

Discard your mask safely so that others don’t aren’t exposed to your ‘you know what.’

Don’t quit. Don’t cave in. It is all well worth it in the end. It is not success you are after in such times but survival. Be survivors! Before you’ve run out of options, the Son of Man will have arrived. (From Matthew 10:21-23, MSG)

Google is my Mother

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Do you remember the good old days of you and Mother? Oh, weren’t they swell? Unless you remember the parts where she said things like this.

” You cannot wear that out of this house!”

“He’s not old enough to drive and no you are not going out with him.”

I don’t care what the other kids do, you are not doing it!”

To which we sometimes sneakily responded under our breath.

Lead me not into temptation? Ha! Follow me I know a short cut!

Then there were the promises of the future.

If you do the thing you need to do when you need to do it, then someday you can do the things you want to do when you want to do them. (Zig Ziglar)

Sigh. Oh yes, the good old days of Mother. Governor Andrew Cuomo said that there are two things in life that will never leave you, The eye of God and the love of a mother. Life comes with a manual called Mother!

But where are we now? Many of our mothers have passed on and we are bereft. Fear not. Google has risen to take her place! Bravely ask questions like this.

Where is the best place to eat in this city? (Lots of recommendations with warnings to check opening!)

Are fascinators in style again? (Apparently yes!)

Google your name to see what shows up. It’s like Mom calling instructions out the door after you!)

Am I too fat? (Like Mom, it says you are perfect just the way you are; if you check the right web site!)

Job openings? Google hints, just like Mom, that you can do anything you set your mind to do.)

Who will win the election? (Google and Mom say “Be sure that you vote!)

Google is my Mother.

Its heart in the right place.

Google is my Mother,

Though it doesn’t have her face.

Google is my Mother,

Through thick and tall and fat.

Google is my Mother.

It even knows where I am at!

Missing Baseball?

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This baseball game looks a bit different but perhaps you will enjoy the irony of it!

Christ is our umpire. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. (Colossians 3:15, NASB)

The rules aren’t three strikes you are out.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me; up to seven times?”
Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. (Matthew 18:21-22, NIV)

Team Huddles are encouraged.He encourages team huddles. Where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”(Matthew 18:20, NIV)

God loves to win. He keeps playing till he wins souls.

Truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should perish. (Matthew 18:13-14, NIV)

And folks, never argue with the umpire.

And let the peace from Christ rule, act as umpire continually in your hearts. Let him decide and settle all questions that arise in your minds.And be thankful, giving praise to God always. (From Colossians 3:15)

Prayer- Lord, Lets play ball! Amen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Weird Thoughts to Make Your Day

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One
Q. Why is a dentist like a far north adventurer on a polar expedition?
A. One goes on a polar expedition and the other expedites your molar.

Two
The invention of the shovel was ground-breaking, but the invention of the broom swept the nation!

Three
One moment you are twenty in the seventies and the next, you are seventy in the twenties!

Yes these are definitely silly groaners. I fully admit it, but sometimes a little laughing cheers up someone who has the right to be groaning.

My groans are many and my heart is faint.”(Lamentations 1:22 b, NIV)

And in the midst of that, along comes the Holy Spirit who groans on our behalf. Praise God!

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. (Romans 8:26, NIV)

Rest in the knowledge that no matter what, God’s got this!

Prayer- Lord, whatever our groans today, we thank you that you hear us. Amen.

 

 

 

 

Holiday Fear

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We have already eaten a ton of our kids’ Halloween candy. Now the real trouble starts. Parties, teas, restaurant events and office showdowns are on the way.

HELP, God!!!

I’m watching my weight, Lord.I’m careful not to botch it.
My life is a bore for I have to watch it.
Others are chewing and swallowing sugars and fats
But me, I am left with food tasting like hats
Oh when will it end? The season goes on
Valentines till it stops and my fear is all gone!

Run Away Fast

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I’m overwhelmed with sorrow, sunk in a swamp of despair! I’m like someone who goes to the garden to pick cabbages and carrots and corn and returns empty-handed, finding nothing for soup or sandwich or salad.

There’s not a decent person in sight. Right-living humans are extinct. They’re all out for one another’s blood, animals preying on each other. They’ve all become experts in evil. Corrupt leaders demand bribes.

The powerful rich make sure they get what they want. The best and brightest are thistles.

 

I am thinking you have a friend like this too…right? Run I say! RUN AWAY FAST! Folks like this just drag you down, don’t they? God calls us to joy—Where is yours?

“The joy of God is your strength!” (Nehemiah 8:10b, MSG)

Driving Advice

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EVERYDAY CHRISTIAN

We often hear the phrase that God is our co-pilot.

Seriously, I would rather God was driving and I was only a passenger.

Sidecar Living
I’m riding in God’s side car and the turns are pretty wild.
I scream when turning corners, but all He does is smile.
He sees where we are going and takes turns that we must,
But down here on this dirty road, all I can see is dust.

I’m riding in God’s side car and close my eyes in fright,
But I know that He is leading on the path that’s safe and right.
When I can’t see the road ahead, and the way ahead seems dim,
He says, “Commit the map to me and only follow Him.”

When I did not know Him and traveled on alone,
So many turns were blunders that led away from home.
But now that I am with Him, the path ahead is true.
His vantage point is higher and He knows what I should do.

I’m riding in God’s side car and the devil knows I’m there.
Escorted through all evil, I remain in Jesus’ care.
I’m riding in God’s side car and I’ve often felt alarmed,
But I’m safely in His keeping, in the everlasting arms.
by Linda Smith, used by permission

Prayer- Lord, give us the courage to let you drive. Amen.

Oh for the GOOD old days

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This is a copy of a law passed in 1770 by British parliament. Be prepared to be amused!

All women of whatever age, rank or profession or degree, whether virgins, maids or widows that shall impose upon, seduce or betray into matrimony any of his Majesty’s subjects, by scents, paints, cosmetics, washes, artificial teeth, false hair, iron stave hops, high-heeled shoes, bolstered hips or padded bosoms shall incur the penalty of the law enforced against witch craft and like misdemeanors and upon conviction the marriage shall stand null and void.

Whew! Even Peter wasn’t that stern.

The same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs.
There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty.
What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition.
Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in. The holy women of old were beautiful before God that way, and were good, loyal wives to their husbands. Sarah, for instance, taking care of Abraham, would address him as “my dear husband.”
You’ll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same, unanxious and unintimidated.
(1 Peter 3:1-6, MSG)